This weekend I finished reading Dave Eggers’ The Circle, an exorbitantly parodic book about a social media company called The Circle with a goal of making every action public: members of The Circle, which is very nearly everyone in the country, are always online, as are videos of every space, indoors and out, private and public. You get a break from video coverage when you’re sleeping, but only because it’s dark, and from audio coverage for up to three minutes, each time you enter the bathroom.

Members of The Circle are called out by social media if they commit crimes, or commit sins, or play hooky from work, or don’t respond to Comments quickly enough, so the ubiquitous observation essentially eliminates crime, including sexual harassment and child abuse, as well as any other sort of behavior people aren’t willing to enact on a public stage. Overwhelming numbers of people accept the tradeoff, though the complete lack of privacy drives at least one character insane. What would you choose? I think the answer may be generational. It certainly sounds horrific to this older person.

I also saw a completely different take on secrets in an Ang Lee film from the 90s, The Wedding Banquet. It’s a funny and poignant story about a gay Chinese man in a serious relationship who agrees to wed a Chinese immigrant so she can get a green card and he can get his parents to stop haranguing him about marriage. The scheme is his partner’s idea. On hearing the news, the parents immediately travel to New York and become the extended house guests of their son and his “roommate” while they plan an elaborate wedding. Complications ensue.

In the movie, people mislead the ones they love in order to keep from hurting them or extinguishing their dreams. I very much appreciate this behavior, but it can turn out to be hurtful in a different way, if the deceit is uncovered or the first lie leads to others. Four of the five main characters in the movie were of Chinese descent, and the desires to maintain family ties and spare the feelings of loved ones prevailed most of the time. I feel that more stereotypical American characters might have been too selfish to maintain the illusion.

Even though it sometimes prevents us from blurting out our feelings or insisting on our way, I think this latter approach is both more human and more humane. Being able to have levels of privacy seems rejuvenating, even healthy. Some actions, thoughts, or experiences are shared with everyone, some with friends, some with with family, some with your intimate partner, and some with no one at all. To do otherwise would remove all differentiation among those groups. How can you identify your closest friends if you relate to everyone in exactly the same way? How can you find out who you really are if you don’t have a private, interior life?