This post may be a little dark, so I will start by listing recent positive events. I found a library 0.9 miles from my house, walked there, and got a book. We surprised an opossum* climbing one of the small trees in our back yard. I took a wharf tour and saw 4 egrets, 5 pelicans, and many, many sea lions. Two handymen returned my calls.
Today is my birthday, which each year seems more onerous. Yet I would describe the members of my nuclear family as healthy achievers blessed with friends and loved ones, who have the resources to do most of what we want to do. I know this is a precious gift, that it could change, and that I have no cause for complaint. Many others, even some of our friends and family, have harsher outcomes or more limited choices.
Yet I will confess that I am not enjoying aging like I thought I would.
First is the fear. I don’t think of myself as fearful, yet I am getting painfully cautious with age. Why did it take almost 2 weeks for me to go on my first beach run? I was worried about falling, about traffic, even about getting lost (I don’t run with my phone, so I need landmarks). These fears aren’t unfounded, but they aren’t very serious. I find apprehension hampers me more often, that I have to prod myself to do some things I want to do.
Second is the physical infirmity. I drop things now; shall I film the sea lions and risk pitching my phone into the drink? I stumble on air, or lose my balance when my ankle “gives”. A couple of times, I have fallen flat on the ground without provocation, not as a faint, not due to tripping. In addition to the clumsiness, my eyesight is worse, especially evident when moving between light and dark, or perusing small print. My muscles are weaker, especially in my hands.
Then there are the cognitive issues. I struggle to find a word, or to remember an author. I am easily distracted, as in, Why did I come into this room? It seems harder for me to learn new things, like what all the emojis mean, or Spanish. And lastly, the general onset of the darkness. We can’t predict the future, but I am pretty certain my life is more than half over.
This may sound drastic, but even if you haven’t seen me in a decade, you might not notice the difference. I try to stay positive, keep moving, do new things, and not think about the effects of aging. Except for this one day of the year, and just between us.
*The North American version of this animal is correctly styled “opossum”, with pronunciation of the first letter optional. Since the writer does not know which version the reader will choose, the article matches the spelling. Grammar geeks may argue this (tirelessly).
Culminating Triad 
Hi Jo,
Happy Birthday! Sorry I missed sending greetings on the day.
This is the new reality for me too. Still the optimist but find my view of the future is narrowing to what will be instead of what can be. Working to change that; autumn is also a hard time to do that since the year is waning.
Katharine Hepburn is quoted as saying, “Life is hard; after all it kills you.”
Profound or not, we ain’t dead yet and if you throw out the physical considerations, which are actually minor, everything is new and exciting for you out there after your big move. If you can find a few good friends, sharing new adventures should reclaim the feeling of exploration and a brand new life. New beginnings, new chapters.
Say hi to Bill!
Bec
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Whoa Nelly! Just, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I have a lot to say about all of your points, but I think the most important thing first is for you to remind yourself that you are going through a huge and I mean yuge life transition. Life transitions are not joyous in my experience; they are wrenching and most definitely better when viewed from the rear-view mirror.
Which hints at the one and pretty much only good thing about aging: the getting of wisdom. For me, that is such a wonderful, powerful, enjoyable thing that it allows you to leave all of the badness in the dust. You may need to nurture your own wisdom-getting a bit, depending on what your preconceptions were about life, and you definitely need to practice leaving various unwanted schmutz in the dust.
It’s possible you also need to cultivate joy. Some people have more of it naturally, but since we have all suffered in our lives, it behooves us to constantly find that which gives us joy, to counter the suffering.
I love seeing pelicans fly, skimming the water in series, and learning why they do that. They migrate, so you don’t get to see them all the time, so seeing them is relatively rare and therefore precious. Even more rare is to see them splash into the ocean from a height — you are thinking that maybe somebody shot them, the way they land all a-kilter — but no, they come up with a sardine in their beak and from there to their gullet and from there to their belly. Goodness, such prehistoric marvels they are — and such fun and joy they give me!
You are not painfully cautious, you are sensibly cautious. The reason it took you almost 2 weeks to take your first beach run is that you forgot it’s a good idea to walk before you run. Take a first beach walk, or several, get the lay of the land, see where the traffic is, learn the routes. Be apprehensive, but figure out ways to alleviate your worries. Mother yourself. Yes, we go more slowly as we age. So what? (Also, you *need* to figure out how to take your phone with you when you run or walk; this is not negotiable.)
Hang your phone around your neck so that you can film the sea lions. You have to hang your reading glasses around your neck too, so get used to it. We are tool users, we humans, you know that. Like all older people, you should do balance exercises, strength exercises, stretching. It’s time to take some new classes, yes those ones for older folks. So what?
The first cognitive issue everyone notices is being unable to remember a capitalized word they know. That’s a fact, that’s how it goes. It’s been harder to learn new things for decades already. Yeah, your life might be half over, or you could get hit by a bus tomorrow. What are you going to do about it today? What is your brain for? Fretting, yes, and what else?
Not for thinking about the effects of aging? Why not, it’s pretty interesting. Plus, you apparently need reminders that you should try a Tai Chi class to improve your balance, so you should think about it. Don’t ignore important stuff that’s going on. Don’t pretend it’s not going on. Find ways to deal with it. This is your life. It is. Your life. Everything you do should be about making it better. Why not? (You might want to look up the word “onerous” and come up with a different one for your birthday, as step one.)
Love,
Jackie
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