Our TMMC crew frequently goes on scouting missions to investigate sightings of creatures on the beach. These outings can be quite pleasant with beautiful views, good company, a walk by the ocean, and frequently a false alarm, as in, the animal was lounging on the beach because wild animals do what they enjoy all the time, which over-scheduled humans interpret as a sign of illness.

At least two of my crewmates work in vet offices, and yesterday one confessed to being a breedist, someone who believes some breeds of dogs are better than others, since breeding for specific traits often has undesirable genetic side effects, mostly having to do with drastically reducing genetic diversity.

Warning: Dog lovers may wish to stop reading now.

This breedist started by talking about dumb dogs, not just individuals, but breeds that have lost any claim to intelligence, then quickly moved on to physical disabilities. Large or squat dogs often have hip dysplasia. Short-snouted dogs may not breathe properly, which eventually leads to lung and perhaps heart issues. Pomeranians may pop out an eyeball when dropped or even just bounding up stairs.

Although dropping an eyeball seems like a pretty major flaw, it is actually recoverable if you grab the eyeball quickly and take it and newly-minted Cyclops Pom to the vet.

The most hated breed seems to be that tilapia of dogs, the Golden Doodle. After sufficient beer, most dog careerists from vet techs to groomers will tell you the GD has made them question their career choice.

Next most frequently mentioned are bulldogs of all types, which are found in the below-hock level of the gene pool, being IQ-challenged, short-lived, and prone to breathing, eye, and ear ailments, allergic reactions, and auto-immune disorders.

Shockingly to me, bulldogs are only one of many purebred dogs which can neither mate nor birth naturally, so are propagated by breeders using artificial insemination and Caesarian section. Our team member always uses the air quotes around the term responsible breeder. Only Stephen King perhaps can imagine what irresponsible breeders are doing.

Dogs are created by people, and just like all the other improvements we have made to nature, there are drastic unintended consequences, in this case suffering dogs with medicalized lives, vast resources spent on prolonging these lives, and the extinction of wild animals.

You may be doubting that last point. The most intelligent, successful women I have ever known once told me that a well-behaved dog on leash should be welcomed anywhere, and why not? Well, for other people, I would mention dog allergies or cynophobia. For wild animals, I would point out that dogs smell like wolves, so some animals either won’t populate areas with that smell or will suffer increased stress while doing so.

Mostly though, I would draw a bright line from the our dog-obsessed culture, in which we spent $83 billion on dogs in the US alone in 2020, to our lack of household spending on wild creatures, many under existential threat. In my experience, dogs get chiropractic treatment, supplements and pharmaceuticals, clothes, toys, holiday gifts, vacations, play dates, organic food, wellness exams and vaccines, and, if needed, extraordinary medical care ranging from joint replacements to chemotherapy. Go Fund Me campaigns to save pets are more likely to succeed than those to save humans, even children. Middle class dogs get better medical care than chronically houseless persons.

Somehow the animal part of our brain gets filled by our pets, and though we claim to love some wild animals, we will execute them without qualm if they threaten our family, lifestyle, pets, or livestock. Or even gardens. It’s a tough life for gophers.